What Do The World's Most Successful Change Makers Have In Common?
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
It’s not the strongest or the smartest people who survive and succeed in the long run, but those who can best manage change.
Change comes at us daily. It's unavoidable. It's the very essence of nature that everything changes.
It's easy to forget that though, as our lives can start to feel predictable and disconnected from the everyday mystery that life provides.
We assume that every element of our life can be shaped and bent to our will because nature feels like it's something to conquer.
COVID-19 brought us face-to-face with how fragile this reality is. In the blink of an eye, no one could escape change.
Where change becomes a problem is when we lose sight of what we can control. If you don't have the ability to influence what you're focusing on, you can't help but feel like someone else runs your life.
The focus of your thoughts, feelings and energy is the foundation of your well-being.
The secret to being a change-maker?
Serenity.
In 1932, Reinhold Niebuhr wrote twenty-five words that have stood the test of time. You've heard these words quoted in movies. They serve as a lifeline for twelve-step programs. And they can act as a lighthouse to help guide you back to a place of calm, peace and composure when you feel overwhelmed.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Here's where most of us get lost. We read something pithy that has a punch, but we have no idea how to make it practical. I'm sure you get exactly what Niebuhr means, but how do you apply it to your life?
A plan to survive, succeed and become a change-maker (even if the world around you feels chaotic).
Grab a piece of paper, or open up a word document.
Write down everything that is taking up valuable mental real estate. Think of any thoughts, goals, dreams, projects, or tasks that are incomplete in your life or any challenges you've had for more than a year. We're talking getting in better shape, writing a book, fixing a leaky faucet, painting your bedroom, taking a photography course, having a regular date night with your partner, paying off debt, wishing your partner would stop smoking, reuniting your Dad with a brother he doesn't talk to, wanting COVID to end. If it pops into your head, write it down. There are no stupid answers. Think of it as spring cleaning of everything bouncing around in your head.
Take a deep breath.
I have no doubt that you have put together one hell of a list. The first time I went through this exercise, it was an exhaustive eye-opener. I was actually surprised by the fact I wasn't more of a wreck. It painted a picture that my mind looked like an episode of Hoarders and I was clearly a denier.
What do the world's most successful change-makers have in common?
They have a filter that everything they think, do and put energy into has to go through before they take it on.
Flip your piece of paper over and divide it into three columns. Label the first column as things that are within your control. The second column is things you can influence. The third is things that are outside of your influence.
This exercise is a lot like learning to ride a bike. When you start out, you're attempting to pedal, balance and brake. You can't skip these steps because they are fundamental. Your parents probably made you learn in an empty parking lot, so you didn't have to contend with moving traffic, stoplights and a billion other distractions.
This exercise is your empty parking lot.
One by one go through your list of everything that is taking up valuable mental real estate and write it under one of three columns.
Things that are within your control? Pedal forward.
Things you can influence? Balance is key. Think about them too much and you'll fall over.
Things that are outside of your influence? Hit the brakes.
Filter everything that comes across your plate through this exercise. Get your reps in. This is the same as any other muscle you're building.
With each rep, you'll get stronger and feel more confident. You start to accept the things you cannot change. You stop fighting gravity problems.
It's okay to put a little energy into things you can influence, but it's a lot like riding a bike with no hands.
It takes real courage to put your head down, grip the handlebars and focus on the things you have control over.
In no time you'll be zipping through town, dodging traffic and doing wheelies like a decision-making ninja.
Focusing on things you can change is the antidote to chaos.
Do you remember the final six words of the serenity prayer? Your ability to be a change-maker rests on these words.
"...and wisdom to know the difference."
It's not about knowing the difference. It's about having the wisdom to act differently.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled comes from shifting from a place of knowledge to a place of wisdom where it affects your actions.
"Watch your thoughts, for they will become actions," Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher urged, and "Watch your actions, for they’ll become habits. Watch your habits for they will forge your character. Watch your character, for it will make your destiny."
Why do we put off decisions that could give us a better future? I've been at that crossroads many times in my life. Whether it was a decision to start my own business, launch a podcast or even ask my partner to marry me. I knew all three of these decisions would give me a better life. But in the back of my head, all I could think about is what if I ended up being a colossal failure?